Succumbing to the Pressure

While my last post can be summed up basically by saying that I am confused and don’t know what I want, I am really feeling the pressure to figure it all out. While I’m doing better than I was a couple years ago, sometimes it still feels like it’s all a little too much. I just want things sorted. After years of purgatory, I just can’t stand feeling lost anymore. At the same time, in my “old age”, I know better than to rush myself because that can simply lead to being more lost than before. I am overwhelmed.

Now that I’m in my late 20s, a lot of my friends are getting married, some are having children, and others are seriously looking for relationships. It seems like every day, someone announces a pregnancy or an engagement on Facebook. A lot of people around me seem to be finding a direction and committing to it. I can’t help but feel like I’m being left behind. It feels lonely.  People are coupling up left and right and I feel left out.

On top of that, while they try not to give me too much grief, my parents are worried about me being alone here in L.A. They know I have a GREAT group of friends and that I’m independent and self-sufficient, but I think they sense that something is missing from my life: a person who I can totally share myself with, rely on, and enjoy my life with. My parents have an incredible marriage and are truly, deeply in love with and committed to each other. I know they want that for me, and I think they’re worried that I’m not open to finding it.

In all honesty, I’m a little worried too. I don’t like feeling the pressure to find someone, but I also don’t like where I am. I suspect that I want a relationship, but that I am confusing being confused about what I want with being afraid of getting hurt again. While I know that I need to do what’s best for me and move forward at my own pace and on my own terms, I can’t help but feel apprehensive. I went from knowing all the answers, to not knowing anything, to being thoroughly confused and feeling afraid. I can’t live my life being afraid though. As such, even though I have reservations and am honestly not sure if I’m ready, I’m going to dip my toes in the dating pool again. I am starting very slowly. While I’ve had plenty of dates over the past few months, they’ve just been pretexts for sex.  This time, I am going to try to find some sort of real connection.  I changed an old online profile, explaining that I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for but that I want more than sex without connection. We’ll see how it goes.